My Life Is Moving on in a Way That My Sister's Never Got To

January 19, 2017

Tomorrow I turn 22.
My sister was 22 when she died.
I would give anything to hear her obnoxious, needlessly-loud laugh right now.

I've since graduated from college. I have a full-time job. Someday I'll (hopefully) be married. I'll have kids. My life is moving on in a way that Julian's never got to. It's paralyzing.

"What if, what if, what if" is constantly rolling in my mind.
What if she had left the house two minutes later?
What if she had just broken a leg or two — would I stop taking her for granted like I have after she passed away?
What if everything I've believed my whole life isn't true?
What if I never see her again? 

The pain that I've felt in the last 15 months has been unlike anything I've ever known. My hurt is more than enough on its own, but watching my parents go through this is a nightmare. And, to make matters even worse, I am across the country and am essentially useless.

I wish that I could say I’ve learned a lot since Julian died. I wish I could tell you how much my testimony has grown, or how much I love life and live it to the fullest. In reality, I’m still having a very hard time. I hate going back home to Texas because it’s blatantly obvious that she’s gone. Sometimes I’m lying in bed and I think of her and I swear I can’t breathe. I scroll through Facebook and someone has shared a video about “Why Having a Sister is the Best.”
It hurts. All of it hurts.

Nothing could prepare me for this. It still feels like a dream, and I wish that it was.

Yours truly,
McKay


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2 comments

  1. I love you. Everyone processes grief and tragedy and lives with it in different ways. The way that it affects your life is going to be different than how it affects your brother and your parents. As your friend I am so proud of you for continuing to live life and being the amazing person you are despite having to go through all of this. It's easy to sell ourselves short, but you are literally amazing and wonderful and kind and sweet. You never have to be perfect though so don't hold yourself to that standard

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  2. McKay, it really helps me to know there's someone I can relate to like this. Thank you for sharing :)

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