You Don't Have to Be Afraid to Ask Me About My Dead Sister

February 02, 2017

Hi. I know that death is uncomfortable and you never know how to treat people dealing with grief, but you can ask me about my dead sister.
I can think of two very special people that have come into my life in the past six months, and both were very genuine from the beginning about their desire to learn more about my experience losing a sibling. I don't want you to dance around the topic of my family. Obviously they are a big part of my life and obviously my sister's passing has impacted me immensely.
I like talking about her, honestly. Not in a "give me pity after listening to my sad tale" sorta way, but I like talking about how good of a musician she was. I like talking about her annoying laugh, her love for Star Wars and the USWNT, and how we fought over the Spice Girls movie DVD and my Dad had to break it all biblical-Solomon style.
I'm not saying that everyone who has lost someone wants to be asked about it.

And I'm not saying that I want to tell you all of the details, because I don't really want to relive how I found out about her death. I don't want to talk about how it felt to choose what to bury her in and designing her funeral program. I don't want to talk about the four or five nights I spent completely without sleep after her passing and how hard that was for me. And I especially don't want to talk about how annoying it was to clean her room after she died and how I'm convinced that was her last way to spite me on Earth (because it was really really annoying).
But I want to talk about the happy things. I want to talk about the good memories and the regrets and how much I wish I could hug her (even though she would have absolutely hated that) and how you better never-ever take your sister for granted.
Julian may have only been physically in my life for 20 years, but she will always be a part of me. She is my family and always will be. She was a friend and an enemy and a confidant and a partner-in-crime and a nuisance and a companion.
I don't want to forget anything about her, so honestly, I want you to ask me about my sister.

Yours truly,

You Might Also Like


  1. I don't think I ever shared this with you (mostly cause I was scared to talk about your sister with you) but Julian passing was the first time I ever cried about someone's death(as I'm trying not to cry in the hallways now as I type this). Mind you, I had had a cousin murdered and an uncle pass away the same year and still I didn't know them enough to cry. Not being there for you and at Julian's funeral was one of my biggest regrets. My favorite memory of her was joking about impregnating her (omg haha I hope you remember what I'm talking about ��) and going to Mormon dances together where I'd rub her belly and joke about how old our baby would be. I'm really glad you shared this post.

    1. Ps it's lesley- your blog hates me and doesn't know me.

  2. I'm glad you shared this, McKay. When I was in high school, the mother of one of our class members passed away. The day he came back, we were all talking and laughing until he walked in. Then, the room went deadly silent. No one knew what to do, or what to say, so we did/said nothing. Your blog entry lets everyone know what you want us to do. That helps all of us! May I tell you one of my favorite memories of both you and Julian? I loved watching you as little girls walk into church with your dolls and stuffed animals. I'm sure yours was a unicorn :):):)