Looking Back

March 03, 2017

It's unbelievable how much my life has changed in the last twelve months.

This time last year, I was living in on-campus housing, the only apartments I had known until I moved out in April. I've lived in the same place since. In two months from now, I have no idea where I'll be living. I don't even know what city I'll be in. 

I was finishing up my second year as a Resident Assistant — the only job I had had in college. Since then, I've worked four jobs and had four internships and learned so much from all of them. 

Around this time last year, my best girlfriend was about to get married. Now it's almost been a year. I saw my lifelong best friend for the first time in three years. Nothing has changed...nothing except growing up. My sister had been dead for five months. A close friend for three. I'm not sure I've made much progress grieving since then, but I have felt a lot of something. 

In the last twelve months, I was in love — whatever that means. I swore I was going to marry my ex-boyfriend someday. He was my closest friend. He broke my heart. Honestly, a lot of things broke my heart. But, in the last twelve months, my heart has been healed too. It has grown and changed and loved. 

I adopted my cat. As cheesy as it sounds, Fonzie has gotten me through so many difficult things since he joined my little family. He had some health scares (which seemed to scare me more than him), but I'm grateful to have had my brat through it all.

Looking back to this time last year, everything has changed. I've graduated college. I met lifelong friends and grown out of touch with others. I saw the influence a professor can have in a student's life. I've seen how women need to help each other and how amazing it can be when they do. 

I've laughed and I've cried and I've screamed and I've grown. I've healed over and over again. I've created. I've learned which friends will stay with me, even through the hardships. I've treated myself way too many (but also not enough) times. I've hugged and I've kissed. I've been weak and I've been brave. 

I've lost myself. I'm not sure if I've ever really known myself, but I've lost what I had.

My life is a clean slate. It's a blank canvas. It can be whatever I want it to be from here on out. The only problem is that I don't know what I want. So, in the next twelve months, maybe I'll find out. 

Yours truly,

You Might Also Like


  1. Love you McKay! I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can do literally whatever I want once I graduate. The idea of complete freedom is both exhilarating and terrifying because I also don't know what I want.