Things Nobody Tells You Will Happen When You Lose a Sibling

12:13:00 PM


Being around anyone else and their siblings will make you want to literally curl into a ball and never stop crying ever. You feel left out and jealous and angry but you're just trying to be normal. It's hard seeing someone else's family happy and whole and intact when you know that yours won't ever be like that again on this earth. 

You'll meet new people and compare them to your sibling. I had a realization at one point that my ex's brother's girlfriend was the same age as my sister would be. I went on a date with a boy her age. It's weird seeing other people's lives go on. It's weird seeing my own life go on. I sometimes just sit there and think how much she missed out on and how much everyone else gets to experience. 

Every time you're just having small talk and someone asks about your family, things immediately become sad and serious. You never know whether to brush over your sibling's death or if they're going to pry into it regardless. It takes everything in you to not burst into tears. This can be a good thing or a bad thing — I personally am not one for small talk, so having something real be introduced into a conversation so easily helps me establish true relationships. On the other hand, it's incredibly vulnerable and can be uncomfortable for everyone involved. People are scared to ask about your family again and tend to completely avoid the topic in the future. 

You will never get used to referring to your sibling in the past tense — at least I haven't in the year and a half since my sister died. Someone will tell me the instrument they play and how much they love music and my first instinct is to say that my sister has all of the music talent for our family and she can pick up any instrument and play it. I never know if I should correct myself or hope they didn't notice. 

I don't want to go home. Being there reminds me of her too much. I drive past where she died every day. I have our previously-shared bathroom to myself. Her room is the same as she left it (except for it's a lot cleaner (you're welcome Mom)). I know I have to see her grave. It becomes painfully obvious that she's gone and she's not coming back. People ask me about her and how I'm doing and how my family is. I'm reminded of the hugs I got at her funeral every time I go to church. Sure, home is where my happy memories were with her, but they feel so foggy and polluted by the sad ones that followed. 

I've never seen a pain quite like a parent losing a child. My Dad is a very gentle and calm man, but I can only think of a handful of times I have seen him cry. After my sister died, seeing the tears well up and fall with gravity down his face hurt me more than almost anything I have ever experienced. My mom and I often stand at her grave and cry about how it doesn't feel real. My parents don't deserve this. No parent deserves this. It will be hard on you, but it will be unbearable for your parents. 

People won't stop pitying you, but they will stop feeding you. I don't want your pity though... I want your food. 

I'm scared of forgetting. I am already starting to lose her voice and her annoying snorts on tumblr in her bedroom. Nothing can prepare you for this. Nobody can tell you exactly what it'll be like, and I'm still learning. It's hard. It's scary. It's pain unlike any other. They say it'll be okay, but I guess only time will tell. 

Yours truly,
McKay

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4 comments

  1. I love you, i love you, i love you, and this is a wonderfully written post.

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  2. I would send you non pity food if I could. Love you. You are amazing.

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  3. Teared up so ya I guess you could say this was a great post

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  4. I lost my sister as well. There are no words for it, though yours are poignant. We both belong to a club with a nonrefundable membership. Just remember all of her, our memories are such a wealthy respository to draw upon.

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