In My Dreams

June 11, 2017

I have very vivid dreams.

I think I've always been this way, but especially in the last four years or so.

Most of the time they are actually pretty good: I'm dating the hot Irish guy who transferred into my high school German class, I'm dating Will Smith, I'm dating Chris Evans (I didn't want to wake up from that one).

Last week I had a dream that my brother and my sister and I were in Utah and we got a car wash and my brother knew the girl working there and she thought he was cute so she gave us free watermelon donuts. Makes sense.

My sister is in my dreams a lot. Most of the time she is just there and alive. She doesn't ever talk and I don't think the idea that she's passed away has ever been presented in my dreams. She is just a supporting character, but very much in the story.

I read an article that my friend Amy shared: "How My Deceased Mother Answered My Father's Prayer In A Dream".

When I woke up the morning after my watermelon donut dream, I was thinking about that article. I was thinking how my dreams are always ridiculous and insignificant. But the more I thought about it, I thought about my sister. She is always alive in my dreams.

I have struggled with just about everything since she died, and I have found very little comfort. It's been very frustrating to me, especially when hearing these great spiritual experiences people have with their loved ones who have passed on.

Why has my sister not come to me? Why don't I find feathers everywhere? How do I know if she's watching out for me? Am I not righteous enough to receive some kind of sign that she's okay? What if heaven doesn't exist? What if everything I've believed up to this point isn't true? 

But the more I thought about it, the more I've realized that maybe those dumb dreams are telling me something. Maybe she's still in my life just as much as she was before. Maybe someday we will get to eat watermelon donuts while some car wash attendant hits on my brother. Maybe she's always going to be a supporting role in my life, whether she's here physically or not.

Maybe that comfort has been there for me this whole time and I just haven't realized it.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be sure about the Plan of Happiness, or Heaven, or eternal families. I'm not as strong as people think I am. I am faltering and stumbling and struggling. Maybe I'm reading too much into my own subconscious imagination, but maybe, just maybe, she is looking out for me.

Maybe I just need that hope.

Yours truly,

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  1. Love that you address how everyone experiences grief differently and not everyone has amazing spiritual confirmation from their loved ones post-earth.

    Love you and as usual love you writing.