June 28, 2017

Looking back, I don't think we had a bad relationship. We didn't fight much, if ever. We had fun together. I loved you and you loved me in the capacity that we were able. Especially towards the end, however, you had a lot of indifference towards me, and towards us, and towards a relationship.
I don't want you to feel like I'm calling you out, because if you wanted to, I'm sure you could write a blogpost full of my issues (or maybe even two). We should've been eagerly holding hands, skipping happily into wherever life would take us, but that wasn't the case. Towards the end, I was holding your hand and dragging you along, and we both knew it.
I do admire that you recognized things weren't working, and you were brave enough to end it after all that time. That was not easy. It hurt, don't get me wrong, but I know that it's what should have happened. I want to be with someone who would do anything to be with me. I want to be with someone whose excitement for the future outweighs their anxiety. And I want to be able to be the same kind of person for my partner. And we weren't there anymore.
And looking back, I've definitely learned how indifference can ruin a relationship. Sometimes, I almost wanted to grab you by the shoulders and tell you if you weren't going to be hopelessly in love with me (which hello, offended, because I'm a gem), then at least find things extremely irritating and pick fights. Just feel something, one way or another. Relationships get hard over time. They take work and commitment. And if you're indifferent, and you don't feel anything enough to keep working, then things will stop working. And in our experience, they did.
When I fall in love, I fall in love quickly, deeply, and (what seems) infinitely. I love way too hard. Don't get me wrong, this can be beautiful when it works. But when it doesn't, it's a train wreck. And at this point in my life, I am just looking for someone who can show me that that quick, deep love can truly be infinite, and from both partners. So if you know anyone, or if you are someone, hit me up. Kidding. Sort of. Unless you're Chris Evans then I'm definitely not kidding but also how did you stumble upon my blog?

Love you Chris!!
Yours truly,

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