You'll Find What You're Looking For

May 21, 2018

Recently I've been thinking about the past few years and how they've lead me to where I am today. Throughout this ponderizing, I realized how much I have changed. I used to laugh a lot. I had multiple people tell me that they thought they were funny when we first met, until they realized that I laughed at literally everything. I haven't heard that from anyone in a few years. What happened?
Despite my depression and anxiety, I still felt excited about the endless opportunities that awaited me at the time. What career would I end up in? Who would I marry? Would the boy band I followed ever get famous? Is B.J. Novak the father of Mindy Kaling's baby (now I'm just asking random questions)?

Bitterness Keeps You from Flying

I have a lot of flaws. Surprise! I think the worst thing about myself is how bitter I've become over time. When I was in elementary school, I was pretty notorious for holding grudges. I was good at it. I was proud of it. And it was terrible. My heart seemed to soften the older I got, but here I am, back to my playground anctics (I miss the monkey bars).
I don't think that I'm necessarily angry at life, I'm just frustrated and dissapointed that this is how it's turned out. I have become pessimistic and sour and closed off from the world. I have been knocked down again and again, and often it feels like I've been knocked down too hard to get back up. I keep an ongoing mental list of things that have gone wrong and I dwell on them far too often. I've convinced myself that because something is bad in the moment, everything is bad. This has put a strain on my relationships because if everything is bad, that includes the people in my life too, right?

The Lens

If you view the world with a negative lens, that's what you'll get. If you think everything is going to go wrong, you'll find evidence to support that. If you think that your pants are going to tear because you gained weight, they will (RIP my favorite pants from high school, 2009-2013). On the other hand, if you search with positivity, positivity you will find (when did I become Yoda?). I'm not saying to wear rose-colored glasses (because let's be honest, most people can't pull those off anyway), but if you are constantly brewing negative emotions, people are going to feel that. They won't want to be around you. If you are finding something good in each day — no matter how difficult that seems to be — you will have good days.

Anger Won't Help

When I dwell in anger, I feel far from God. Being angry at those who have wronged you is not going to make things right. Being angry won't help someone be better (not that it's your job, but I'd rather play no role than a negative one) — no, it won't even help you. Trying to make your point is not as important as a healthy, continuous relationship. You (I) need to sit back at times and think if your (my) opinions matter more than the people in your life. And sometimes they do. But when they don't, and when your health and safety are not at stake, you need to let go of the anger. If anything, you're holding yourself back, not whoever that anger is directed towards.

Note to self: you will find what you're looking for, McKay. So try a little harder to look for the good. You have an awesome husband! Your cat is so fat and cute! You're taking a graphic design class in the fall! You're drinking Sodalicious as you write this! You have a blog that people read even if you spout of nonsense and don't get the royal wedding hype! You have a body and you are you! And that's great!

Yours truly,

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