It's Not Fair

January 11, 2019


It's been about a year and a half since my dad died. I'm not used to it, but for the past couple of months, I've been able (for the most part) to hide my pain - even from myself. For whatever reason, this week has been especially difficult and I've been on the verge of tears near-constantly. I miss him so much. And it's not fair.

My parents may be older than most of my peers', but my father was still too young to die. I'm not sure there's some magic number that I can pinpoint that would make a dad's death less traumatic, but I'm sure that it was many, many years older than he was. I feel robbed of many life experiences that I still intended to share with my dad. He wasn't there when I got married. He wasn't there when I bought a house. He won't be there when I inevitably have children someday. He wasn't there when I had to get new tires and Jamison was at work and I didn't know what I was doing but I couldn't call him and I probably overpaid. I still feel like a child a solid 33% of the time, and I still need my dad. I'll always need my dad.

I so often cry to myself, "it's not fair." Death isn't fair. Knowing of the Plan of Salvation and the promises that Heavenly Father has made does not bring comfort when your world has seemed to end. I may be alive, but I'm not sure I'm living. Does that make sense? I go through the motions day after day. And I'm sick of it. I wish I could tell you that I've had some profound realization that I have to live life to the fullest, but I still just spend a lot of time watching Netflix with tears in my eyes. Life isn't fair.

I'm just so frustrated. Losing Julian was an unbelievable trial and I don't get why God wanted to hand us more. I wasn't ready for it. I'm not strong. I'm constantly angry and bitter now. My testimony has wavered. My soul has torn. I don't know how I'll ever get over the grief that I've felt for the past three years. I don't think I ever can.

I know that there are people out there who have it much, much worse than I do, but grief is selfish. My dad and my sister may be "in a better place," but I'm left with the agony here on earth. And because of that, it's hard to focus on anyone other than myself.
So thank you for sticking by me through this all. I know I haven't been easy to love the past few years. I know that it's my fault. I know I'm self-centered and not a great friend, but I'm doing what I can to make it through each day. I hope you can forgive me and I hope that I can be better - at being a friend, at loving, and at living.


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