I'm Still Not Over It & I'm Never Gonna Be Over It

March 27, 2019

I'm currently reading Dumplin' by Julie Murphy. In it, the protagonist Willowdean is navigating life, school, and love, all while dealing with grieving her live-in aunt. In the fourth chapter, Willowdean simply thinks to herself, "I know I should be over Lucy being gone. It's been six months now." As someone who has lost both her sister and her father within the last 3.5 years, let me personally tell you that six months is not enough time for anyone to grieve. Nobody should expect you to be over the death of a loved one in that short time, and you definitely shouldn't expect that from yourself. To me, it still feels like my sister just died, and it's sneaking up on four years.
At six months after my sister's death, the reality of her loss was only beginning to set in. I was just barely finding myself in the position of needing therapy to discuss my feelings and the trauma that I was dealing with after her passing. I was - and still am to this day - dragging myself out of bed each day because of the cold reality that life is short and my sister's was especially. She wasn't there for my graduation or my wedding. She won't be there to be the cool, motorcycle-riding, guitar-playing Aunt Julian to our children. The same goes for my dad. He's been gone even less time than Julian, and he's still missed so much. It takes everything in me to slow down and try and appreciate this life - even when it's not what I want it to be - because that's what they would've wanted me to do.
I'm sick of movies and books making grief seem like these rigid, six stages that you quickly progress through and are healed. Grief will color the rest of my own life, and I'm guessing it will impact the relationships that I have with my own children someday as well. Grief takes hold of everything you experience and twists it. The pain seeps into all aspects of your life, and more often than not, that's not a good thing.
My sister dying was traumatic for me. My father dying was as well. They were both too young. And it's gonna take me six months, and six months, and six months over and over again just to process what happened. I'm still not over it, and I'm never going to be over it. That's just not how grief works.

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