I Forgot How to Love Myself

May 07, 2019

For the past few years, I've thought of myself as a self-love enthusiast. I had spent almost 20 years hating myself and was finally getting over it. But now, after five years of clinical depression and anxiety diagnoses, over 70 lbs. of weight gain since high school, and professionally struggling as a career, it seems to me that I've forgotten how to love myself.
I was happier with myself at age 20 than I had ever been at age 16, even though I weighed less back then. But with about 30 lbs. of weight gain in the last year alone, it's hard not to think that my view of my self-worth is tied to my weight. Correlation may not mean causation (the one thing I learned in college stats, thanks), but my weight is at an all-time high and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. That can't be a coincidence.

I follow an account called "Trust Your Body Project" on Instagram (highly recommend!!), and I saw this post the other day:

I don't want to be skinny. I'm not expecting to be a size 00 again. I'd like to weigh what I did when I first met Jamison, but what I really need is to stop hating my body. As it is. This very moment. Stretch marks galore, disproportionate curves, adult acne, a belly that is just screaming for someone to ask me when I'm due, and all.

Who taught us to hate body fat? Who taught us to hate our bodies at all?

Our bodies are living, breathing miracles. There's so much they can do - even my out of shape, can-barely-walk-up-a-flight-of-stairs, lumpy form. I've spent so much time hating my body, worrying about my appearance, and hating myself lately that I've forgotten what I'm capable of.
I have galaxies growing inside of me. I was created by my wonderful parents in the image of an all-mighty God. I am fat, yes. But I am so much more. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. I am a universe of exploding stars. I am capable, strong, and sick of hating my body.
My worth is not tied to my weight. My happiness should not depend on my appearance. My life does not need to revolve around my body. I am who I am, no matter how I look. And I need to remember that.

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